Under the Influence No More

I think about him often, although I have not seen him
in over seventeen years. When he finally decided to put
the bottle down I had a chance to reunite with him. I
got to know him the hard way. I came to know him
behind the walls of recovery. It took awhile but I liked
what I saw. I decided right then and there that I would
never look back.

The best part of each day is sobriety. The worst part of
each day is sobriety and the only way I can tell the difference
between the two is the personal relationship I
have with God. Pray early, pray often is the only way I
keep that personal relationship strong.

Ain’t got nobody waiting at home was the story of my
life when alcohol was king of the castle. It was a worn
down castle with little joy and no escape. Fear and isolation
hung from the walls and sunshine was forbidden.
This was drunkenness, this was remorse. This was my
life for more than twenty years.

In my quest to overcome I pray that others allow my
words to enter their hearts. This is where the seeds of
sobriety need be planted. This is where permanent sobriety
lives. If you must roam the earth as an alcoholic
do it from the sober side of your disease.

I am so humbled and moved by those who have so little,
yet give so much! So many people from so many
places gave so much to me when I first started my recovery.
So many people believed in me more than I
ever believed in myself. From the heart is where it all
began. And if it is going to continue my heart must go
out to all of those who need it most.

I drank during the darkness of the night and slept during
the light of day. In between I wept. I wept because
I knew not who I was or what I would become. I wept
because I saw the disappointment on the faces of those
who loved me most. And I wept the hardest for never
being able to look myself in the eye and see what I had
become.

Morning’s remorse always hides the beauty of a sunrise.
I missed so much when I surrendered each day to
drunken bliss. If lost time is out there my mission now
is to find it. But in the mean time peace of mind and a
sense of well being will have to do.

The only thing harder than quitting drinking is dying
a drunk. I thought that ending my life would end my
alcoholism. However through dying my children would
have ceased to exist. Alcohol does not heal nor does it
produce fruit or life. For me alcohol is death and for the
past seventeen years I have struggled but continued to
choose life.

Drunkenness is a perfect way to overcome peace of
mind. I longed for peace and searched the wrong places
all hours of the night. I would wake up lost and further
from peace than I ever could have imagined.

I now have problems in areas that did not exist back
when I drank. I once had no driver’s license and now I
need new tires for my car. I once had no food and now
I struggle to lose a few pounds. I once was alone and
now I find it hard to find time for myself. The beauty of
sobriety is magnified by the achievements we struggle
to maintain.